I got the idea for this poem shortly before Christmas. It started out as a way for me to vent my frustrations with all the rhetoric I hear every Christmastime. This so-called, “War on Christmas” and how Christians, especially in North America are being persecuted when someone says, “Happy Holiday’s” or “Seasons Greetings” instead of “Merry Christmas.” (On a side note: if you truly believe you are being persecuted because someone says something other than “Merry Christmas” to you…you have NEVER been persecuted before.) Anyways, as I began to write down some of my thoughts from what I see as hypocrisy from Christians, whether they classify themselves Conservative or Liberal, Right or Left and all of the other labels on the spectrum (which is a completely different subject and rant for another day) this piece began to be more introspective. As I was easily able to quip about the so-called “struggles” Christians in North America are facing, I could not completely exclude my self from a critique. I may not advocate for war but how well do I know my neighbours?
I look forward to the comments and discussions that arise from this poem. My suggestion is that whether you love it or loathe it, read it with an open mind.
Blessings.
Stop Saying, Keep CHRIST in Christmas.
Stop saying, “Keep CHRIST in Christmas.”
And then go beat the drums to war.
Stop saying, “Keep CHRIST in Christmas.”
And then walk by and neglect the poor.
Stop saying, “Keep CHRIST in Christmas.”
And then oppress others by what you wear.
Stop saying, “Keep CHRIST in Christmas.”
And then hoard all you have and refuse to share.
Stop saying, “Keep CHRIST in Christmas.”
When you don’t even know your neighbours name.
Stop saying, “Keep CHRIST in Christmas.”
And then burden others with judgments and shame.
Stop saying, “Keep CHRIST in Christmas.”
And then turn your back on someone who is gay.
Stop saying, “Keep CHRIST in Christmas.”
And then proudly account all the tithes that you pay.
Stop saying, “Keep CHRIST in Christmas.”
When money is the goal for in which you strive.
Stop saying, “Keep CHRIST in Christmas.”
When people in our community struggle to survive.
Stop saying, “Keep CHRIST in Christmas.”
When the latest gizmo or gadget has become a “must”.
Stop saying, “Keep CHRIST in Christmas.”
When you won’t stand up against laws that are unjust.
Stop saying, “Keep CHRIST in Christmas.”
When gossip, lies and slander is all that you spew.
Stop saying, “Keep CHRIST in Christmas.”
When you blame all Muslims for the acts of just a few.
Stop saying, “Keep CHRIST in Christmas.”
When acquiring more and more becomes your life’s mission.
Stop saying, “Keep CHRIST in Christmas.”
When you can’t even keep CHRIST in Christian.
In an earlier blog I spoke briefly about the concept of Christian duty. I just touched on it because it is a thought that I have been wrestling with for some time and it needs more time and space for me to articulate my thoughts fully. My experience with Christian duty was something formed in me long ago. But as I got older and realised that life is usually more complicated than it appears to be, my thoughts and worldview have changed. Especially in terms of Christian duty. I’ll give you a scenario of what I mean:
I tell a Christian brother or sister that I am struggling with depression and anxiety. Their response is more often than not one or both of these. “Here’s a verse (usually Philippians 4:6).” And/or, “I’ll pray for you.” Now don’t get me wrong, scripture and prayer are two massively important tools and resources to help with life’s struggles. However, this is where it gets kind of awkward. After I have read the scripture and have had someone pray for me, I am still struggling with depression and anxiety. So what now? A few weeks may pass and I speak to this friend again. I tell them that I am still struggling and it’s like they look at me with bewilderment and are backpedaling to find the words to say. You see, they have fulfilled what they believe to have been their Christian duty. They prayed for me and gave me a scripture that may have helped them in their past. Now they don’t know what to do or say to help. And this my friends is the perfect place to be. You know why? Because I don’t know what they can do or to say to help either.
I practiced the above mentioned Christian duty for a majority of my Christian life. Maybe it was the side effect of growing up in a rural community where issues such as mental health, addiction, poverty and homelessness were just things we read or heard about but didn’t actually witness it. Or maybe it was my own ignorance and naivety that scripture and prayer can heal and fix all of the worlds problems. Again, I am not saying that prayer and the reading of scripture are bad or useless things. What I am saying is that maybe, just maybe, the concept of Christian duty needs to change. Maybe it is more about living with the messiness of life alongside someone as they trudge through it. Maybe instead of saying well meaning and well intentioned words, a form of the custom of Shiva is practiced for those who are suffering. To offer support, love and encouragement by just being present without actually saying anything. But that’s uncomfortable and completely counterintuitive to our culture. There is this fear of not having all the answers and a sense of helplessness that maybe there are things that are out of our control.
Sadly, I have an opportunity to practice what I preach. My family has lost someone close to us who struggled with depression. I an trying to practice Shiva as best as I can and it is not easy. Everything in me is screaming and trying to get me to “fix it”. But I can’t. I need to walk with my family through this dark place. I need to offer support, encouragement and love. I need to show up.
That’s it.
That’s the first step.
Just showing up.
Maybe the world would be a better place if Christians were more concerned with showing up and serving in love rather than trying to fix all of the world’s problems from a distance. I think this is what Jesus called us to do and it starts in our own families and communities.
So I challenge you…how are you going to “show up” today?
So over the last several days Canadians have witnessed three soldiers being attacked, two fatally, here at home. I really don’t know what to think or how to respond to these tragedies. As a Christian, who happens to live in Canada, what should my response be? A part of me wants to fight and protect the country that I love. To ensure that my son grows up in a place where he does not have to be afraid because of what he believes, who he loves or what his political convictions may be. On the other hand, I’m torn when I begin to think of the words of Jesus. Was he serious about this whole “turn the other cheek” thing? I don’t have any answers. The point of this blog is to not tell you what to do or to puff myself up declaring that I have it all figured out. Rather its purpose is to share with you the tension that I’m facing when trying to determine whose allegiance I am a part of. Are the two compatible? Again, I don’t know.
Dietrich Bonhoeffer was a German theologian who stood toe-to-toe with not only Nazis but Nazism as a whole. He was quoted as saying,
“Things do exist that are worth standing up for without compromise. To me it seems that peace and social justice are such things. As is Christ himself.”
This is a man who lived and breathed, ‘Loving his enemy.’ Yet ultimately, he was found guilty for his role in a plot to assassinate Hitler and was executed. I am not condoning or judging the choices and actions that Bonhoeffer made. What I am saying is that if one of the most influential Christians of the last century decided that in the face of evil, one man’s death would be justifiable…what the heck am I supposed to do?
Please feel free to comment and let me know what y’all think.
I didn’t get a chance to write last week which is kind of a bummer. Writing is something incredibly therapeutic for me. The idea of being able to lay bare your soul and mind with all the world to see is…well…scary. But freeing in the same sense. Sharing my hidden vulnerabilities and bringing them to light is extremely powerful and I know that if I don’t write I probably won’t for a long time. Some may call it laziness but I prefer to call it fear. The longer I delay the process of putting the thoughts that are racing around in my head onto (virtual) paper, the more these thoughts begin to normalize themselves into my consciousness, thus becoming MY new reality. Which is scary to think about. Even though I know that some of the things in my head are untrue and harmful, they are still a part of MY reality and this is the frame of reference I write from. MY reality. This is the way that I see the world and the way in which the filters in my head project things to me. Even if they are not true, in the moment, they are true to me. Which is the conundrum of depression. It is relentless and a crafty tool the devil uses to make me believe that lies are true.
I’ve been wrestling a lot recently with how to bring together my battles with depression and my faith as a Christian. At times I try to separate them, sometimes unknowingly, as if the mind and spirit are segregated from each other. I’ll think that I’ll take medication, go to a counsellor and exercise and my depression will go away. However, I have not begun to deal with my spirit. On the other hand, I sometimes try to get more involved with church, pray more and read my bible more and this will take my depression away. But it doesn’t and then the feelings of guilt and shame come cascading over me like a waterfall and I end up feeling more overwhelmed, more frustrated, more resentful, more afraid and ultimately more depressed. Yet when I am able to take a more holistic approach, where I intertwine the healing process with both my mind and spirit, good things can happen. From MY experience medication can be good, when it is accompanied by prayer. Counselling can be good, when it is accompanied by worship. Exercise can be good, when accompanied by scripture. I think one of the greatest lies that the devil ever told me is that my physical self is separate from my spiritual self. When I began to believe this and act on this thought pattern, that’s when I start to get into trouble and begin the descent down the rabbit hole.
Last Sunday, my pastor taught from Philippians 4. In that passage is one of the most oft quoted pieces of scripture that other Christians share with me when I tell them that I am struggling with depression and anxiety.
Philippians 4:6-7 6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
I don’t often ask these people for help but they sure like to offer it. Maybe it’s because they feel awkward and don’t know what to say? Maybe that passage has helped get them through some of their own personal struggles? Or maybe they just think that by quoting me this scripture they have fulfilled their Christian duty? Who knows, there are countless possible scenarios. What I do know, from MY experience, is that I am still waiting on …the peace of God, which transcends all understanding… My mind is anything but peaceful. As much as I have a difficult time relating to this letter from Paul, I am able to relate to his second letter to the Corinthians where he writes, “Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me.” That hits home. The constant battle in my mind where I am constantly feeling tormented. I really don’t know how Paul was able to find peace but it gives me hope. Someday, I may be able to find it. Until that day I will just have to keep pressing forward. Who knows, today may be that day.
I don’t really know where to begin so I guess I will start off by saying, “I struggle with depression.” Some of you reading this may know this already but many of you don’t, at least not to the extent to which this illness has plagued my entire adult life. I had my first “episode” with depression when I was 19. I use the word “episode” because depression is a cyclical illness. Meaning, it doesn’t just go away but it may rear its ugly head every so often. Sometimes it will come and hang out for a few weeks and sometimes for a few months. Sometimes it doesn’t even visit for years and you go on living, almost forgetting, that you have this “companion.” So I was 19 and attending a local bible college when my first episode occurred. I felt so alone, confused and well, depressed. I didn’t know who to turn to for support and when I did I was met with usually 3 responses or variations there of:
1) Pray more.
2) Confess your sin. (Obviously I had sin in my life that was causing this affliction…???)
3) Don’t take medication because if I do I don’t have faith or believe that God will heal me.
So I bet that the people giving me these responses had very noble and good intentions. However, these responses made me feel more alone, more confused and definitely more depressed.
So what is a 19 year old kid supposed to do in these situations? Well, this kid dropped out and moved back home. Took a job in the manufacturing sector. Went on medication. And happily went on my way putting this bad experience behind me. Or so I thought. About 4 years later, my good old “friend” decided to come by for a visit and this time, he stuck around for a while. It really sucked. I wasn’t eating, sleeping, working, going to church, playing sports, etc. I again quit my job and moved back home because I really didn’t know what else to do. I couldn’t take care of myself and my parents were worried that I may do something drastic. They wanted to make sure that I was safe and for that I am grateful. Looking back at that period of my life, as much as that visit from my “friend” sucked, it pushed me into a direction that I don’t know I would have taken otherwise. During this “episode” I decided to change careers and start working with youth. I waited until I was a little more stable and sent off some resumes. Eventually I got an interview and have been working with youth ever since. This “episode” also got me to start to take my faith more seriously. I started doing missions work and being more involved with my church. Life was great. Skip forward a few years and I meet a girl at a bible study. We date, get engaged, buy a house, get married…life was awesome and nothing could go wrong. Or so I thought.
This past December I started to notice that I was getting really anxious being out in public. I figured it was just the crowds of people, especially at the malls, that were making me feel this way. But as the more time went on the more difficult it became to do anything. I couldn’t get out of bed. I wasn’t sleeping or eating and could not find any joy in anything. I was able to plug along for awhile until one day in January where I sat down with one of my bosses and told them, “I really don’t know how much longer I can keep this together.” About a week later I went on sick leave. Now if you thought talking to the people closest to you about depression was difficult, try talking to an insurance company. That’s another rant for another day. Anyways, this “episode” was interesting because my wife and I were expecting our first child at the time. I was so excited to be a dad and then overnight, I just didn’t care anymore. Eventually I started counseling and was also assessed by a psychiatrist. I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder and a generalized anxiety disorder. After almost two months I started going back to work but on a reduced schedule. Work was really fantastic with accommodating to my needs. Then on May 28, our son Oliver was born and I was able to be happy and joyful. My “friend” left me alone that day and I was able to celebrate with my family. After Oliver was born, I took two months off for parental leave. This time was awesome and invaluable. I recommend taking the time off, if you can, to anyone with a new child.
I went back to work at the end of July and I was really anxious and nervous about going back. Then, on August 11th, I hear that Robin Williams died by suicide. I was really shocked and saddened. It brought me back, very quickly, to the place I was just a few months earlier, and how easily it could have been me. I began to wonder if other people, especially people in a Christian community, thought and felt the same way as I did. Did they know that there are others out there who believe in God but also have this “companion”? Why doesn’t the church really discuss mental health issues, like depression, when there could be vast amounts of Christians hurting? So one night at work, I was sitting in a group (that prefers to remain anonymous) and it hit me. “Why don’t I start a group at my church to help support people who are struggling with depression?” So that’s what I did. I spoke to one of my pastors and recruited a friend of mine who has been open with me about their struggle with depression. We sat down one night and planned this group. We are having our first meeting later this month. There isn’t really a goal or objective to this group, other than to let other people know that they are not alone. I think that’s what Jesus would want us to do. Not try and fix everyone’s problems but rather stand with them through the storms and chaos of life.
Thanks for reading this. Just so you are aware, this is an extremely brief synopsis of my struggles with depression. If you want to chat more about it write me back. I am going to post two videos that I have found really helpful and encouraging. Be blessed my friends. You are not alone.