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I don’t really know where to begin so I guess I will start off by saying, “I struggle with depression.”  Some of you reading this may know this already but many of you don’t, at least not to the extent to which this illness has plagued my entire adult life.  I had my first “episode” with depression when I was 19.  I use the word “episode” because depression is a cyclical illness.  Meaning, it doesn’t just go away but it may rear its ugly head every so often.  Sometimes it will come and hang out for a few weeks and sometimes for a few months.  Sometimes it doesn’t even visit for years and you go on living, almost forgetting, that you have this “companion.”  So I was 19 and attending a local bible college when my first episode occurred.  I felt so alone, confused and well, depressed.  I didn’t know who to turn to for support and when I did I was met with usually 3 responses or variations there of:

1) Pray more.

2) Confess your sin. (Obviously I had sin in my life that was causing this affliction…???)

3) Don’t take medication because if I do I don’t have faith or believe that God will heal me.

So I bet that the people giving me these responses had very noble and good intentions.  However, these responses made me feel more alone, more confused and definitely more depressed.

So what is a 19 year old kid supposed to do in these situations?  Well, this kid dropped out and moved back home.  Took a job in the manufacturing sector.  Went on medication.  And happily went on my way putting this bad experience behind me.  Or so I thought.  About 4 years later, my good old “friend” decided to come by for a visit and this time, he stuck around for a while.  It really sucked.  I wasn’t eating, sleeping, working, going to church, playing sports, etc.  I again quit my job and moved back home because I really didn’t know what else to do.  I couldn’t take care of myself and my parents were worried that I may do something drastic.  They wanted to make sure that I was safe and for that I am grateful.  Looking back at that period of my life, as much as that visit from my “friend” sucked, it pushed me into a direction that I don’t know I would have taken otherwise.  During this “episode” I decided to change careers and start working with youth.  I waited until I was a little more stable and sent off some resumes.  Eventually I got an interview and have been working with youth ever since.  This “episode” also got me to start to take my faith more seriously.  I started doing missions work and being more involved with my church.  Life was great.  Skip forward a few years and I meet a girl at a bible study.  We date, get engaged, buy a house, get married…life was awesome and nothing could go wrong.  Or so I thought.

This past December I started to notice that I was getting really anxious being out in public.  I figured it was just the crowds of people, especially at the malls, that were making me feel this way.  But as the more time went on the more difficult it became to do anything.  I couldn’t get out of bed.  I wasn’t sleeping or eating and could not find any joy in anything.  I was able to plug along for awhile until one day in January where I sat down with one of my bosses and told them, “I really don’t know how much longer I can keep this together.”  About a week later I went on sick leave.  Now if you thought talking to the people closest to you about depression was difficult, try talking to an insurance company.  That’s another rant for another day.  Anyways, this “episode” was interesting because my wife and I were expecting our first child at the time.  I was so excited to be a dad and then overnight, I just didn’t care anymore.  Eventually I started counseling and was also assessed by a psychiatrist.  I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder and a generalized anxiety disorder.  After almost two months I started going back to work but on a reduced schedule.  Work was really fantastic with accommodating to my needs.  Then on May 28, our son Oliver was born and I was able to be happy and joyful.  My “friend” left me alone that day and I was able to celebrate with my family.  After Oliver was born, I took two months off for parental leave.  This time was awesome and invaluable.  I recommend taking the time off, if you can, to anyone with a new child.

I went back to work at the end of July and I was really anxious and nervous about going back.  Then, on August 11th, I hear that Robin Williams died by suicide.  I was really shocked and saddened.  It brought me back, very quickly, to the place I was just a few months earlier, and how easily it could have been me.  I began to wonder if other people, especially people in a Christian community, thought and felt the same way as I did.  Did they know that there are others out there who believe in God but also have this “companion”?  Why doesn’t the church really discuss mental health issues, like depression, when there could be vast amounts of Christians hurting?  So one night at work, I was sitting in a group (that prefers to remain anonymous) and it hit me.  “Why don’t I start a group at my church to help support people who are struggling with depression?”  So that’s what I did. I spoke to one of my pastors and recruited a friend of mine who has been open with me about their struggle with depression.  We sat down one night and planned this group.  We are having our first meeting later this month.  There isn’t really a goal or objective to this group, other than to let other people know that they are not alone.  I think that’s what Jesus would want us to do.  Not try and fix everyone’s problems but rather stand with them through the storms and chaos of life.

Thanks for reading this.  Just so you are aware, this is an extremely brief synopsis of my struggles with depression.  If you want to chat more about it write me back.  I am going to post two videos that I have found really helpful and encouraging.  Be blessed my friends.  You are not alone.

Ryan